Update // Fears
I’m not completely sure what I’m going to write about tonight, but I’m trying to keep this blog as updated as possible. I have a short story on the way for those who are waiting for new material. The title is tentative but I’m growing fond of “Lucky Charm.” Hopefully I’ll have it done sometime next week. I’m shooting for a Friday completion.
The second part of this entry…. well you’ll understand after reading it.
I’m scared. It’s hard being honest about being scared. No one really wants to admit their fears, especially men. It’s a sign of weakness. It’s demonstrates that you’re lacking something. It’s being vulnerable. It’s hard to swallow those thoughts. It’s even harder to accept and deal with your fears. Most just avoid it entirely. What I’m afraid of is… commitment. It’s even harder to swallow that fact when I’m a romantic at heart. I believe whole heartedly that men are good, but it takes the right woman and at times the right time for that man to be good. I’m no different. I would consider myself a good and honest man, but I have a certain amount of fear when it comes to committing. Though I desperately want to meet my life partner, my wife, my soulmate, I can’t seem to have a relationship that lasts a year. That desire may have also lead to the destruction of many hearts. It takes a certain amount of courage to invest in another person. I don’t have that courage. There’s a confidence inside of me that says I’ll know her when I meet her. For some reason, I’ll keep choosing her over and over again. It’s not logical, but I’ll just want it that badly. It may sound crazy, but my method is really to find a woman that just makes me want it that much. But is it any crazier then to think that if you’re with someone long enough, they become what you want. In both cases, we’re all looking for some sort of certainty even though we’re gambling every thing on it.
I’ll probably continue breaking hearts until I find her. I might even get my heart broken along the way. What is certain is that I believe in my process. I don’t doubt I’ll meet her. I do get tired of dating. At times I even may waver, lose hope, and want to quit my system. But this woman I may or may not have met yet is enough reason to pick up the bat and swing again. I don’t know what she looks like. I don’t even know what she likes or dislikes. I mean I do have qualities I like about girls, but I’m not even certain she’ll have those qualities. All I know is she’s going to enter my life. I may not even be prepared for it, most likely I won’t be prepared for it. But I’m not scared of that. I know I’ll try my hardest and Ill continue working for her. Like I said before, for some reason I just keep choosing her. I just want my life partner, my wife, my soulmate. I want her to have my children. There’s a loneliness inside of me that only she can soothe. I’m not even scared of being alone. I have so much faith we’d cross paths.
So where does this fear of commitment come from? People would normally think its because I’m afraid to get hurt, I don’t want waste time being someone I don’t love, or I’m just not ready for it. They all have merit and I can argue for all of them, but that’s not it. I think its just my way of figuring it all out. I know some people just look for some one they can be vulnerable with or find some sort of crazy passion or someone they can finally be comfortable with. Once they find that’s it. Maybe my fear isn’t really a weakness but my strength. Does it not have value when I find a woman that doesn’t make me feel scared to commit? It has tremendous value. It has the same weight of a man who keeps all his problems to himself and he finds a woman to share the weight because he trusts her. We all have a process of selecting and weeding out potential life partners. Being scared and being uncertain is okay. I really believe that. What I believe is necessary is being able to be flexible enough to allow things to happen. I also believe that you have to genuinely and whole heartedly have faith in your process. You may even fail, but does that really matter if you end up finding Love in the end? Even though I’m scared of commitment, I allow women into my life, affect my life, and even change my life. I let them into my world. I share myself hoping that they can know me. Maybe I’m not really scared of commitment at all? Maybe It’s just my crazy process of finding Love.
“It’s never been about overcoming your fears. It was finding it within yourself to say it’s okay to be scared.”
“The thing I found most attractive about you was your courage.”
“Even though I was scared of thunder, I slept best when it rained”
“Was I scared when I kissed you? Definitely scared, but I haven’t regret it yet.”
Just a few quotes to end the post.
